Today we continue our series on “What I Did Wrong as a Prospective Adoptive Parent”. In this blog Purl Advisor, Kelcie Grace, will discuss the concept of saviorism in adoption and how prospective adoptive parents early in the adoption process often see themselves as “helping a baby in need of a loving home” and fail to grasp the complexities and trauma of adoption. She aims to candidly explore the misconceptions about adoption she had and sheds light on the importance of approaching adoption with humility, empathy, and a genuine commitment to understanding the needs of all involved.
The Savior Complex and Romanizing Adoption:
I (Kelcie Grace, Purl Adoption Advisor) wanted to adopt since I was a young girl, adoption was something I always assumed I would pursue. Before receiving adoption education through Purl, I inadvertently romanticized the adoption process. I saw adoption as an opportunity to “give back” and “help a baby in need of a loving home”. I now realize that my original intentions regarding adoption weren’t just about growing my family, it was about fulfilling my own aspirations of being a savior.
Looking back, I cringe at the things I used to tell people when I talked about how I wanted to adopt someday. I had this go-to phrase I used, I wanted to “choose the child for my family to love” and provide that child “a forever home”. I loved the way people responded to my comments, they were always so impressed! It filled my emotional bucket to know that someday I would help a pregnant person by parenting their baby. I thought that there were thousands of babies out there “in need” and that I would just have to express interest in adoption and *boom* I would have a baby in my arms. In retrospect, I realize that I unwittingly embraced the savior mentality in my approach to adoption. I took pride in the notion of doing something “noble and good” in the world.
The idea of being a savior in adoption, or the “savior complex” as it is often coined, refers to the tendency of some prospective adoptive parents to view themselves as heroes or rescuers, seeking validation and fulfillment through the act of adopting a child. This post by Virginia Spence at Adoption.com does a great job of explaining the concept of saviorism. It is crucial to understand that the adoption journey does not revolve around the prospective adoptive parents’ personal desires or past struggles. Instead, the focus must be on what is best for the child, putting their needs and well-being above everything else. Read about why it’s crucial to shift the focus away from the prospective adoptive family in this blog post we wrote. Another great read is by Natalie Kristeen who wrote an excellent post about shifting the savior mindset, you can read it by clicking here.
Realities of Adoption:
Fundamentally, I didn’t understand how adoption worked. I didn’t understand:
- that prospective adoptive families don’t “pick a baby” – the expectant parents ultimately make the decision regarding the placement of their child, not the other way around (to learn more about the adoption process read this blog post we wrote)
- that domestic infant adoption is saturated with families wanting to adopt a newborn
- the complexities that lead an expectant parent to consider adoption (including financial instability, traumatic and adverse childhood experiences, substance use, etc.)
- the trauma experienced by the birth parents when they place their baby in the arms of another caregiver
- the trauma experienced by the baby who unknowingly severs ties with their biological family
To learn more about the realities of domestic infant adoption, read this blog post we recently wrote.
Education and Awareness:
I was selfish. I was uneducated. I was wrong. Thankfully, my husband and I had the support of our adoption advisor, Katie, who provided us with so much education! We read from our Purl Guidebook, watched videos, and attended virtual webinars led by birth parents and adult adoptees. Through this education, I shifted my core understanding of adoption. Listening to the voices of birth parents and adoptees has opened my eyes to the profound impact that adoption has on their lives and the unique challenges they face. It is through these stories that I have come to understand that adoption should never be about saving or fixing, but about supporting an expectant parent in considering all their options and when adoption is the decision, creating a loving and supportive environment for a child to thrive.
Reflection:
I regret talking about adoption in the way I did before fully understanding the inherent trauma and disconnection that adoption can bring. I am so grateful for Purl and the education I received prior to actually adopting my daughter. Adoption is not just about becoming a parent, but about embracing a lifelong journey of love, growth, and healing. It is about acknowledging and honoring the complexities and emotions that adoption brings and working together to create a nurturing and inclusive experience. The concept of saviorism in adoption is one that all prospective adoptive and adoptive parents must confront and overcome. By educating ourselves, challenging our misconceptions, and actively listening to the voices of birth parents and adoptees, we can create a more compassionate and supportive adoption community built on a foundation of mutual respect.
If you are contemplating adoption and find yourself in need of further education and guidance, even about the concept of saviorism in adoption, consider working with us! It is crucial to take the time to explore your adoption preferences and stay informed about the ever-evolving landscape of adoption. Our team of advisors are dedicated to providing you with the necessary education, support, and expertise to plan, navigate, and increase your chances of success throughout the adoption process. Click here to submit an inquiry to connect with us and see if we are the right fit to support your adoption journey.
Today we continue our series on “What I Did Wrong as a Prospective Adoptive Parent”. In this blog Purl Advisor, Kelcie Grace, will discuss the concept of saviorism in adoption and how prospective adoptive parents early in the adoption process often see themselves as “helping a baby in need of a loving home” and fail to grasp the complexities and trauma of adoption. She aims to candidly explore the misconceptions about adoption she had and sheds light on the importance of approaching adoption with humility, empathy, and a genuine commitment to understanding the needs of all involved.
The Savior Complex and Romanizing Adoption:
I (Kelcie Grace, Purl Adoption Advisor) wanted to adopt since I was a young girl, adoption was something I always assumed I would pursue. Before receiving adoption education through Purl, I inadvertently romanticized the adoption process. I saw adoption as an opportunity to “give back” and “help a baby in need of a loving home”. I now realize that my original intentions regarding adoption weren’t just about growing my family, it was about fulfilling my own aspirations of being a savior.
Looking back, I cringe at the things I used to tell people when I talked about how I wanted to adopt someday. I had this go-to phrase I used, I wanted to “choose the child for my family to love” and provide that child “a forever home”. I loved the way people responded to my comments, they were always so impressed! It filled my emotional bucket to know that someday I would help a pregnant person by parenting their baby. I thought that there were thousands of babies out there “in need” and that I would just have to express interest in adoption and *boom* I would have a baby in my arms. In retrospect, I realize that I unwittingly embraced the savior mentality in my approach to adoption. I took pride in the notion of doing something “noble and good” in the world.
The idea of being a savior in adoption, or the “savior complex” as it is often coined, refers to the tendency of some prospective adoptive parents to view themselves as heroes or rescuers, seeking validation and fulfillment through the act of adopting a child. This post by Virginia Spence at Adoption.com does a great job of explaining the concept of saviorism. It is crucial to understand that the adoption journey does not revolve around the prospective adoptive parents’ personal desires or past struggles. Instead, the focus must be on what is best for the child, putting their needs and well-being above everything else. Read about why it’s crucial to shift the focus away from the prospective adoptive family in this blog post we wrote. Another great read is by Natalie Kristeen who wrote an excellent post about shifting the savior mindset, you can read it by clicking here.
Realities of Adoption:
Fundamentally, I didn’t understand how adoption worked. I didn’t understand:
- that prospective adoptive families don’t “pick a baby” – the expectant parents ultimately make the decision regarding the placement of their child, not the other way around (to learn more about the adoption process read this blog post we wrote)
- that domestic infant adoption is saturated with families wanting to adopt a newborn
- the complexities that lead an expectant parent to consider adoption (including financial instability, traumatic and adverse childhood experiences, substance use, etc.)
- the trauma experienced by the birth parents when they place their baby in the arms of another caregiver
- the trauma experienced by the baby who unknowingly severs ties with their biological family
To learn more about the realities of domestic infant adoption, read this blog post we recently wrote.
Education and Awareness:
I was selfish. I was uneducated. I was wrong. Thankfully, my husband and I had the support of our adoption advisor, Katie, who provided us with so much education! We read from our Purl Guidebook, watched videos, and attended virtual webinars led by birth parents and adult adoptees. Through this education, I shifted my core understanding of adoption. Listening to the voices of birth parents and adoptees has opened my eyes to the profound impact that adoption has on their lives and the unique challenges they face. It is through these stories that I have come to understand that adoption should never be about saving or fixing, but about supporting an expectant parent in considering all their options and when adoption is the decision, creating a loving and supportive environment for a child to thrive.
Reflection:
I regret talking about adoption in the way I did before fully understanding the inherent trauma and disconnection that adoption can bring. I am so grateful for Purl and the education I received prior to actually adopting my daughter. Adoption is not just about becoming a parent, but about embracing a lifelong journey of love, growth, and healing. It is about acknowledging and honoring the complexities and emotions that adoption brings and working together to create a nurturing and inclusive experience. The concept of saviorism in adoption is one that all prospective adoptive and adoptive parents must confront and overcome. By educating ourselves, challenging our misconceptions, and actively listening to the voices of birth parents and adoptees, we can create a more compassionate and supportive adoption community built on a foundation of mutual respect.
If you are contemplating adoption and find yourself in need of further education and guidance, even about the concept of saviorism in adoption, consider working with us! It is crucial to take the time to explore your adoption preferences and stay informed about the ever-evolving landscape of adoption. Our team of advisors are dedicated to providing you with the necessary education, support, and expertise to plan, navigate, and increase your chances of success throughout the adoption process. Click here to submit an inquiry to connect with us and see if we are the right fit to support your adoption journey.
