My Thoughts on Mother’s Day
I (Katie Zimmerman – Purl Founder/CEO) have struggled with Mother’s Day since wanting to become a mom, likely in my late 20’s. I hadn’t yet met someone I wanted to spend my life with and I knew my history with endometroisis would potentially make my journey to motherhood more difficult. It ultimately was more difficult when I finally found my person in my mid-30’s, got married and had multiple unsuccessful fertility treatments. I can remember what it felt like to be in a Mother’s Day church service after a failed in-vitro fertilization and leaving early because I couldn’t handle the emotions and hearing mothers honored on that day when I wanted to be one so bad. Fast forward to the Mother’s Day after my daughter through adoption joined my family, and pregnant with my biological daughter. I had so much to be thankful for, and I relished in the Mother’s Day celebration that year. Howecer, it also came with a bittersweet feeling, knowing that my child’s birth mother might be struggling with this day knowing she had placed one of her children for adoption. And knowing that so many others are also grieving on this day.
Mother’s Day is Hard for So Many
Mother’s Day can be difficult for so many. It can be difficult for people that want to be mothers, mothers who have placed children for adoption or have lost their children to the foster care system, people estranged from their mothers, people who have lost their mothers, people struggling with many mother-figures in their life, step-mothers who want to be recognized as mothers, and so many more people I’m sure I’m leaving out. Mother’s Day is hard, it is beautiful for those who in the moment can relish in it, but it is also hard for so many. So do what you can to survive on this Mother’s Day with self-care – get through the day as best you know how. But please also honor or recognize those in your life who may have mixed emotions surrounding Mother’s Day.
Recognize the Birth Mother in Your Life if you are An Adoptive Family
Given that Mother’s Day is a delicate issue for many in the adoption triad, we encourage adoptive families in any type of open adoption to recognize their child’s birth mother around this day, if possible. If you have the ability to, reach out and tell them you’d love to honor them and ask if they want to be honored. For many adoptive families, they celebrate “Birth Mother’s Day”, which is typically celebrated on the Saturday before Mother’s Day. In our family, we celebrate our child’s birth mother on Mother’s Day. We always send a small gift, flowers, some handmade art from our daughter, and a video or text showing that we know how important they are to us, and to how we became a family – how I became a mother.
Ideas on Ways to Recognize a Birth Mother
If you’re an adoptive family but adoption and open adoption is new to your family and you’re able to, ask the hard question (either directly, or through your agency or attorney) if they would mind if you celebrated them this Mother’s Day. You could then honor them with a card that is appropriate for adoption, you can find some on Etsy and through Adoptionly Yours, a company that has adoption sensitive greeting cards. You could order a curated gift box through our friends at Absolute Love Adoptions (through their sister program Solace), or you could search Etsy for a wide variety of Adoption themed gifts. There are also small shops that have great homemade, curated gifts, including an adorable one started by a former Purl Family – HelloDuchess. Whatever you choose to do, it doesn’t have to be large or expensive, it can be homemade, especially if your child is the age to make the card themselves.
If you don’t have an open adoption and want to honor the birth mother of your child, create a space to talk about this holiday, their birth family and the emotions and loss that come with adoption, even before they are old enough to understand. Read them children’s books like Growing Grace, that show how much love there must have been to have made such a hard choice to place them for adoption. I find children’s books a very helpful way to do that (here’s a short video I made on how to use books with your children on lots of hard adoption topcis). Maybe you plant a flower or a tree every Mother’s Day to honor them, and talk about where your child may have gotten her [eyes, nose, mouth, curls, height, sense of humor]. Honoring birth family in a positive way is so important, it is important for children to understand where they come from, and honoring the loss of that connection with our children is so important in whatever way you can even without openness. Just know that children will feel more comfortable sharing any emotions they have about adoption with you, if you’re able to converse with your child in this way early in their lives.
Are you a prospective adoptive parent and want more support during your own adoption journey, click on the Getting Started With Adoption link on our page to schedule a free consultation with our Purl team. Check our services and pricing sheet here.
My Thoughts on Mother’s Day
I (Katie Zimmerman – Purl Founder/CEO) have struggled with Mother’s Day since wanting to become a mom, likely in my late 20’s. I hadn’t yet met someone I wanted to spend my life with and I knew my history with endometroisis would potentially make my journey to motherhood more difficult. It ultimately was more difficult when I finally found my person in my mid-30’s, got married and had multiple unsuccessful fertility treatments. I can remember what it felt like to be in a Mother’s Day church service after a failed in-vitro fertilization and leaving early because I couldn’t handle the emotions and hearing mothers honored on that day when I wanted to be one so bad. Fast forward to the Mother’s Day after my daughter through adoption joined my family, and pregnant with my biological daughter. I had so much to be thankful for, and I relished in the Mother’s Day celebration that year. Howecer, it also came with a bittersweet feeling, knowing that my child’s birth mother might be struggling with this day knowing she had placed one of her children for adoption. And knowing that so many others are also grieving on this day.
Mother’s Day is Hard for So Many
Mother’s Day can be difficult for so many. It can be difficult for people that want to be mothers, mothers who have placed children for adoption or have lost their children to the foster care system, people estranged from their mothers, people who have lost their mothers, people struggling with many mother-figures in their life, step-mothers who want to be recognized as mothers, and so many more people I’m sure I’m leaving out. Mother’s Day is hard, it is beautiful for those who in the moment can relish in it, but it is also hard for so many. So do what you can to survive on this Mother’s Day with self-care – get through the day as best you know how. But please also honor or recognize those in your life who may have mixed emotions surrounding Mother’s Day.
Recognize the Birth Mother in Your Life if you are An Adoptive Family
Given that Mother’s Day is a delicate issue for many in the adoption triad, we encourage adoptive families in any type of open adoption to recognize their child’s birth mother around this day, if possible. If you have the ability to, reach out and tell them you’d love to honor them and ask if they want to be honored. For many adoptive families, they celebrate “Birth Mother’s Day”, which is typically celebrated on the Saturday before Mother’s Day. In our family, we celebrate our child’s birth mother on Mother’s Day. We always send a small gift, flowers, some handmade art from our daughter, and a video or text showing that we know how important they are to us, and to how we became a family – how I became a mother.
Ideas on Ways to Recognize a Birth Mother
If you’re an adoptive family but adoption and open adoption is new to your family and you’re able to, ask the hard question (either directly, or through your agency or attorney) if they would mind if you celebrated them this Mother’s Day. You could then honor them with a card that is appropriate for adoption, you can find some on Etsy and through Adoptionly Yours, a company that has adoption sensitive greeting cards. You could order a curated gift box through our friends at Absolute Love Adoptions (through their sister program Solace), or you could search Etsy for a wide variety of Adoption themed gifts. There are also small shops that have great homemade, curated gifts, including an adorable one started by a former Purl Family – HelloDuchess. Whatever you choose to do, it doesn’t have to be large or expensive, it can be homemade, especially if your child is the age to make the card themselves.
If you don’t have an open adoption and want to honor the birth mother of your child, create a space to talk about this holiday, their birth family and the emotions and loss that come with adoption, even before they are old enough to understand. Read them children’s books like Growing Grace, that show how much love there must have been to have made such a hard choice to place them for adoption. I find children’s books a very helpful way to do that (here’s a short video I made on how to use books with your children on lots of hard adoption topcis). Maybe you plant a flower or a tree every Mother’s Day to honor them, and talk about where your child may have gotten her [eyes, nose, mouth, curls, height, sense of humor]. Honoring birth family in a positive way is so important, it is important for children to understand where they come from, and honoring the loss of that connection with our children is so important in whatever way you can even without openness. Just know that children will feel more comfortable sharing any emotions they have about adoption with you, if you’re able to converse with your child in this way early in their lives.
Are you a prospective adoptive parent and want more support during your own adoption journey, click on the Getting Started With Adoption link on our page to schedule a free consultation with our Purl team. Check our services and pricing sheet here.
