We are continuing our series on “What I Did Wrong as a Prospective Adoptive Parent” with a discussion about celebrating adoption finalization day. I (Katie – CEO/Founder of Purl) know this one, in particular, may be hard to hear for some prospective adoptive parents or adoptive parents, and you may not agree with me on it, but please hear me out. I recognize that I too celebrated my child’s own adoption finalization day for years, and still acknowledge it even now due to the mistakes I made early in my own adoption journey. But I wanted to at least post about this so people consider whether it makes sense to regularly celebrate this day, particularly once your child has a better understanding of its actual meaning?
Adoption Finalization Day is a legal event
For those of you who don’t know, the adoption process is really a legal process. Each state has its own laws surrounding adoption, and for interstate adoptions, there is typically a choice of law analysis to determine which law to apply to the adoption. Each state’s process to finalize an adoption is slightly different. It typically includes a process to terminate the birth parents’ rights, and the filing of a petition for adoption by the prospective adoptive parents to finalize the new parental rights being vested in the adoptive parents. This process begins a month or longer after the birth parents have signed consents to the adoption. In some states the finalization process can take only a few months, in others, it can take eight months or more and include regular post-placement visits to ensure the child is doing well in the prospective adoptive home. As we discussed earlier in this series, at finalization, there is actually a new birth certificate issued showing the adoptive parents as the parents. That is typically when the name is legally changed by the adoptive parents to that of the adoptive parent’s last name.
We celebrated “Zimmerman Day”
Since my daughter’s adoption was a domestic infant adoption, we have cared for her since birth, then finalized her adoption in April after the December she was born. We had all her grandparents in attendance as well as many great aunts and uncles. We were so excited that this sweet girl now legally shared our last name and didn’t see any issue with “celebrating” that day. The next year, we began celebrating “Zimmerman Day” a day where our whole family shares the same last name, as by then our biological daughter joined our family. That was the way we decided to balance honoring our adoption day at the same time as giving our biological child space to celebrate the day as well. We thought we were so sensitive to all by the way we handled it! We didn’t make a big deal about the day, but we baked a messy cake with a Z on it and called it a day. Of course, my girls thought it was a fun day every year, because what little kid wouldn’t want to make a messy Z cake?
My discomfort about Zimmerman Day grew
However, as time passed, I have started to feel more and more uncomfortable with even our small celebration on her adoption day. I started to wonder what my daughter would think about us celebrating a day that symbolized a significant loss in her life? It was an official disconnection from her biological family and a disconnection from her given last name. A choice she didn’t get to make. We are always giving her space to talk about her feelings about her adoption, giving her space to connect with her birth family and honor them regularly in our daily life, and now yearning for more openness for her, but at the same time, we are celebrating her official disconnection from them? It just didn’t seem right on so many levels.
My uncertainty on this day still exists
I talked about my feelings on celebrating adoption finalization day more last year in this post. I hoped the day would just fizzle out, that the girls would just forget it was something we celebrated at all. Because my discomfort hadn’t shrunk over time, it had only grown. I had heard enough adoptees discussing their “adoption days” or “gotcha days” to know that it was generally something that was more often disliked rather than liked, at least publicly, by adoptees. So on my focus to center my child and what she might think now or in the future, my thoughts on this day changed.
This year, we let our “Zimmerman Day” pass without a notice by any of us, only for it to come up a week or so after when the girls were looking for something to cook on a boring, hot day. Even though the cake mix and frosting had been sitting in the pantry for weeks (probably more like months to a year – eek!) , my daughter found that box and said she wanted to make a cake. Since we rarely make cakes and likely the last time we made one was Zimmerman Day, that day came up and we briefly discussed it and what it meant. This time I told her, we don’t need to celebrate this, and just know that it’s your decision if you want to do anything to recognize Zimmerman Day anymore. Of course, she wanted to bake the cake anyway (what kid wouldn’t want to)! But that was the extent of our Zimmerman Day “celebration” this year. I’m hoping that it will pass without a thought next year.
What is right for your family? Only you can decide…
So should you celebrate an adoption finalization day? Of course, this is a decision only you and your family can make. But my guidance is to look at the actual meaning of the day and whether it should be regularly celebrated. You are your child’s parent and there was a legal process that is necessary for that to have occurred. But should we be celebrating that official day down the road? Is it necessary? Especially when they feel like they have been your child in your heart likely since the day you met? Should we be making cute signs or t-shirts promoting the name change? Should we be using names like “gotcha day” that offend many? Here is an article or two that discuss the controversy of both the name and the meaning. Why do we as adoptive parents insist on doing things that offend at least some adoptees? We don’t know yet if our children are going to be the ones that are offended, but why do we even take the risk? Remember to try and make every decision looking at it from your child’s position and how they might feel. You can’t know how they are going to feel down the road, but if there is doubt, maybe it is not worth the risk? It is going to strengthen your relationship or connection by celebrating it? Or is there a better way? Maybe you celebrate it that first time, the year where you get to introduce your child after finalization where you no longer have to wonder if it will actually happen, and then maybe you stop? Or maybe you recognize it, and instead recognize the birth family and the loss that your child might feel on that day? I don’t know what it is right, but I’m following my gut and will hopefully let the celebratory day fizzle out completely in my home. We will still discuss adoption, honor how we became a family, but also know that celebrating the loss on an annual basis on the anniversary of that day may not be what is in our children’s best interest.
What are your thoughts on celebrating adoption finalization days? We love to hear from all sides on this issue. Please post a comment if you’d like, or feel free to share with us privately by emailing us at [email protected].
We are continuing our series on “What I Did Wrong as a Prospective Adoptive Parent” with a discussion about celebrating adoption finalization day. I (Katie – CEO/Founder of Purl) know this one, in particular, may be hard to hear for some prospective adoptive parents or adoptive parents, and you may not agree with me on it, but please hear me out. I recognize that I too celebrated my child’s own adoption finalization day for years, and still acknowledge it even now due to the mistakes I made early in my own adoption journey. But I wanted to at least post about this so people consider whether it makes sense to regularly celebrate this day, particularly once your child has a better understanding of its actual meaning?
Adoption Finalization Day is a legal event
For those of you who don’t know, the adoption process is really a legal process. Each state has its own laws surrounding adoption, and for interstate adoptions, there is typically a choice of law analysis to determine which law to apply to the adoption. Each state’s process to finalize an adoption is slightly different. It typically includes a process to terminate the birth parents’ rights, and the filing of a petition for adoption by the prospective adoptive parents to finalize the new parental rights being vested in the adoptive parents. This process begins a month or longer after the birth parents have signed consents to the adoption. In some states the finalization process can take only a few months, in others, it can take eight months or more and include regular post-placement visits to ensure the child is doing well in the prospective adoptive home. As we discussed earlier in this series, at finalization, there is actually a new birth certificate issued showing the adoptive parents as the parents. That is typically when the name is legally changed by the adoptive parents to that of the adoptive parent’s last name.
We celebrated “Zimmerman Day”
Since my daughter’s adoption was a domestic infant adoption, we have cared for her since birth, then finalized her adoption in April after the December she was born. We had all her grandparents in attendance as well as many great aunts and uncles. We were so excited that this sweet girl now legally shared our last name and didn’t see any issue with “celebrating” that day. The next year, we began celebrating “Zimmerman Day” a day where our whole family shares the same last name, as by then our biological daughter joined our family. That was the way we decided to balance honoring our adoption day at the same time as giving our biological child space to celebrate the day as well. We thought we were so sensitive to all by the way we handled it! We didn’t make a big deal about the day, but we baked a messy cake with a Z on it and called it a day. Of course, my girls thought it was a fun day every year, because what little kid wouldn’t want to make a messy Z cake?
My discomfort about Zimmerman Day grew
However, as time passed, I have started to feel more and more uncomfortable with even our small celebration on her adoption day. I started to wonder what my daughter would think about us celebrating a day that symbolized a significant loss in her life? It was an official disconnection from her biological family and a disconnection from her given last name. A choice she didn’t get to make. We are always giving her space to talk about her feelings about her adoption, giving her space to connect with her birth family and honor them regularly in our daily life, and now yearning for more openness for her, but at the same time, we are celebrating her official disconnection from them? It just didn’t seem right on so many levels.
My uncertainty on this day still exists
I talked about my feelings on celebrating adoption finalization day more last year in this post. I hoped the day would just fizzle out, that the girls would just forget it was something we celebrated at all. Because my discomfort hadn’t shrunk over time, it had only grown. I had heard enough adoptees discussing their “adoption days” or “gotcha days” to know that it was generally something that was more often disliked rather than liked, at least publicly, by adoptees. So on my focus to center my child and what she might think now or in the future, my thoughts on this day changed.
This year, we let our “Zimmerman Day” pass without a notice by any of us, only for it to come up a week or so after when the girls were looking for something to cook on a boring, hot day. Even though the cake mix and frosting had been sitting in the pantry for weeks (probably more like months to a year – eek!) , my daughter found that box and said she wanted to make a cake. Since we rarely make cakes and likely the last time we made one was Zimmerman Day, that day came up and we briefly discussed it and what it meant. This time I told her, we don’t need to celebrate this, and just know that it’s your decision if you want to do anything to recognize Zimmerman Day anymore. Of course, she wanted to bake the cake anyway (what kid wouldn’t want to)! But that was the extent of our Zimmerman Day “celebration” this year. I’m hoping that it will pass without a thought next year.
What is right for your family? Only you can decide…
So should you celebrate an adoption finalization day? Of course, this is a decision only you and your family can make. But my guidance is to look at the actual meaning of the day and whether it should be regularly celebrated. You are your child’s parent and there was a legal process that is necessary for that to have occurred. But should we be celebrating that official day down the road? Is it necessary? Especially when they feel like they have been your child in your heart likely since the day you met? Should we be making cute signs or t-shirts promoting the name change? Should we be using names like “gotcha day” that offend many? Here is an article or two that discuss the controversy of both the name and the meaning. Why do we as adoptive parents insist on doing things that offend at least some adoptees? We don’t know yet if our children are going to be the ones that are offended, but why do we even take the risk? Remember to try and make every decision looking at it from your child’s position and how they might feel. You can’t know how they are going to feel down the road, but if there is doubt, maybe it is not worth the risk? It is going to strengthen your relationship or connection by celebrating it? Or is there a better way? Maybe you celebrate it that first time, the year where you get to introduce your child after finalization where you no longer have to wonder if it will actually happen, and then maybe you stop? Or maybe you recognize it, and instead recognize the birth family and the loss that your child might feel on that day? I don’t know what it is right, but I’m following my gut and will hopefully let the celebratory day fizzle out completely in my home. We will still discuss adoption, honor how we became a family, but also know that celebrating the loss on an annual basis on the anniversary of that day may not be what is in our children’s best interest.
What are your thoughts on celebrating adoption finalization days? We love to hear from all sides on this issue. Please post a comment if you’d like, or feel free to share with us privately by emailing us at [email protected].
