Learn more about the adoption process.
Cringe-Worthy Statements About Adoption…
If you’re an adoptee, birth mother, or adoptive parent and you’re like me, you probably have heard many people say things to you about adoption that make you want to cringe! Now, I know I likely heard (or maybe even thought) these things before adopting my daughter and really understanding adoption but I’m so glad to have learned better now. I want to help others learn too!
Some of the statements I have heard about adoption that make me want to cringe. Check out our post to learn why, and to add your own bothersome statements to help others be educated on what adoption is (or at least should be).
We Are Broken
Adoption is brokenness. And our adoption community is broken.
My heart has been heavy all week. More scandal alleged in the adoption community, and this time by a consulting company I had heard mostly positive feedback about until the past year. A company I considered to be a formidable “competitor“ even before I was even a blip in this industry, but one I had originally wanted to emulate. I don’t pretend to know the details or all sides of this story, or the ins and outs of how this company operates. I don’t know what’s true or what’s biased, and I haven’t seen the evidence. But even though I am relatively new to this industry, I do know our community is broken. I know it is broken because I’ve seen it, felt it, and haven’t found a way to avoid it entirely or fix it. We hope you’ll read more to find out why we started this business and what we stand for, and how we are trying to navigate the brokenness, even with our own mistakes.
Some Common Phrases About Adoption
If you are a parent through domestic adoption, you’ve probably heard the following phrases said to you by well-meaning friends, family, acquaintances and even perfect strangers: “Why didn’t her birth mother want her?” “Why didn’t her birth mother love her enough to keep her?” “What is the story with her real mother?'“ “She’s so lucky to be in your family!” I wanted to touch on each of these briefly for people who may not be as familiar with adoption, and to also help adoptive families learn how to better respond to these types of questions/comments.
The Hospital Experience for a Prospective Adoptive Parent
We have discussed the domestic adoption process for a prospective adoptive parent up to the point where you are matched, have traveled, and now have arrived at the hospital. You have prepared a gift for the expectant family, you are being as flexible as possible in the hospital because you know adoption plans change and are fluid, but wow, are you stressed! The period of time between the birth and the signing of consents is rough, there is no way around it. It is obviously very hard on the expectant family, who are likely making one of the most difficult decisions of their lives. But it is also very difficult as a prospective adoptive parent. Read my own experience with this waiting period, I called it “An Adoptive Parent’s Labor”.
Preparing for Travel and ICPC
If you are a prospective adoptive parent chosen for a child that is going to be born in a different state than your state of residence, you will need to travel for the birth and stay in that state until you are cleared through the Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children (“ICPC”). ICPC is an agreement enacted by all 50 U.S. states, the District of Columbia and the Virgin Islands and it governs the placement of children from one state into another state. To learn more about ICPC, making adoption travel accomodations and what to pack, read more!
Preparing for An Adoption
If you’ve been following along this month, we are finally to the point where it gets really exciting, but also very nerve-wracking! You’ve been chosen as prospective adoptive parents for a child and you have to get prepared to possibly become a parent, likely in much less preparation time than you’d have if you were pregnant yourself. So, what do you need to know and become prepared for?! If you have an adoption advisor like Purl, your advisor and the attorney or agency you matched through should be helping thoroughly prepare you for the following topics between when you are chosen and when the baby arrives…
Chosen?! But now what?
You get chosen by an expectant family considering adoption for their child! Such amazing news and one of the major milestones in the domestic adoption journey. Many families have long waits and MANY presentations before they get to this point. But what is next? And what does being chosen really mean? Being chosen just means that you are one step closer to a child, and while it is a major milestone, that child may never actually be yours.
Funding Your Adoption
Domestic infant adoption can be really expensive. I wrote about the variability in the adoption costs awhile back in detail, but generally adoption costs vary by state and by the type of professionals that are involved in your adoption (agency, attorneys, etc.). Adoptive Families conducts a survey of average adoption costs every two years, and found that in 2016-17, the average total adoption cost for an Agency Adoption was $43,239, and the average total cost for an attorney adoption was $37,829. This includes home study, advisor and post placement costs, but obviously greatly exceeds the Adoption Tax Credit numbers for 2020 of $14,300 (and it phases out for families with modified adjusted gross income of $214,520).
So You Determined Your Preferences, What’s Next?
Once you’ve figured out your preferences in your adoption, what is next? The dreaded adoption wait. If you’re working with an adoption advisor like Purl, you’re likely getting on the waitlist for many different attorneys and agencies. You might be including some adoption outreach, hoping to connect with an expectant family that way. You are then waiting for an expectant family to choose you or find you through your outreach, typically speeding up your adoption journey. But it can take only a few weeks or months, or even a few years to be selected, but your chances are much better in a multi-faceted approach (in fact, none of our Purl families have waited over a year to match with an expectant family).
Adoption Outreach Basics
Are you a prospective adoptive parent that is waiting for an attorney or agency to match you with an expectant family considering adoption for their child? Are you a couple who isn’t totally comfortable self-matching or advertising yourself online, or maybe paid advertising isn’t legal in your state? I always encourage my Purl families who are home study approved to at least do what I call “Adoption Outreach Light”, which basically means that you are spreading the word to friends, families and colleagues that you are hoping to adopt, but maybe not doing any sort of active marketing or paid advertising. I encourage my Purl families to give their contacts a simple way to pass along more information about their family in the event they learn of someone facing an unplanned pregnancy and considering adoption for their child (ie. a copy of a short profile or a link to a website where they can learn more). Adoptions that result from friends and family connections can be great opportunities for prospective adoptive parents and expectant families, and are often much less expensive than adopting through an adoption agency.
Resources for Determining Preferences in Your Domestic Adoption
As I spoke about in my post from a few days ago (here), the domestic adoption process is so awkward in that you are essentially saying yes or no to a child. Sometimes you are doing it just by setting preferences in your adoption, but sometimes you’re actually reviewing a summary of an adoption opportunity and saying yes or no as to whether to present your family profile to the expectant family considering adoption for that child. When prospective adoptive parents start to consider their adoption preferences, many have no idea what they should say when adoption professionals ask what types of circumstances they would consider. Here are just a few of the things you should research and educate yourself on as you determine your adoption preferences, as well as some resources for helping you navigate these decisions.
The Awkwardness of Saying Yes or No to a Child
One of the things that I like least about the domestic infant adoption process is that prospective adoptive parents are basically saying yes or no to a child. Most people outside the adoption community might not realize that prospective adoptive parents basically set their “adoption preferences” and decide what types of adoption opportunities they want to see and have the opportunity “present” to.
Respect and Empathy for Expectant Mothers
I’ve heard of a few circumstances lately where prospective adoptive parents act entitled to the child they have been chosen for, both before and after the birth of the child, but before consents are signed. This is one area I feel like prospective adoptive parents pursuing domestic infant adoption need the most education on - the respect and love that is required for any expectant mother they come into contact with in their adoption journey, and ultimately for the birth mother for their child.
Positive Adoption Language
Words matter because words can hurt…Most people who use negative adoption terminology have no idea what they are saying about adoption could be insensitive or hurtful, and instead insensitive comments or questions are made used due to ignorance, curiosity and interest in adoption and the adoption process. But during this National Adoption Awareness Month, we are trying to educate on all aspects of adoption, and that includes the best way to communicate about adoption. So here is a short post on some of the negative adoption language frequently used, why/how it is considered negative and a better alternative to use in conversation.
The Basics Steps in the Domestic Adoption Process
Are you considering adoption as a way to grow your family, but you have no idea really where to begin? This post will help you better understand the process of adopting a child domestically in the United States. But adoption is not all cupcakes and rainbows and it is important to understand all facets of adoption, from many different perspectives, to determine if it is the right way to grow your family.
National Adoption Awareness Month
To honor and recognize National Adoption Awareness Month this year, I’m going to post each day about some topic in adoption. I’ll start with telling you about me, the founder of Purl Adoption Advisory, the business I launched to the public two years ago this month. I’m an adoption advisor who acts as a planner and guide for prospective adoptive parents in a domestic infant adoption. I am an attorney by training, but left my corporate law job after adopting my daughter Cora because I felt like there was a better way to adopt and I was eager to help other families navigate the complex world of adoption.
Finding Hope in Adoption and Parenting
This is a guest blog post written by Amy Stewart, mom through adoption to five children, Pediatric RN, and founder of Hope in Adoption, LLC.
After five pregnancy losses and years of failed fertility treatments, my journey to parenthood felt hopeless. The pain, grief, and loneliness I was experiencing felt too much to bear. It seemed everyone around me was celebrating carefree, successful pregnancies with ease. As my husband and I considered adoption as an opportunity to grow our family, the extensive process quickly became legally, financially, and emotionally overwhelming. Yet adoption seemed to provide hope in a time of darkness and despair. As a Registered Nurse and parenting educator, I started Hope in Adoption LLC to provide evidence based research parenting education and parenting support to all, including traditional, adoptive, and same-gender parents. My mission is to help everyone adopt parenting tools that work.
The Brokenness and Sadness Inherent in Adoption
Does the brokenness and sadness inherent in adoption hit you at the weirdest times?
I have an odd combination of interests, I am a huge college football and basketball fan having spent part of my career working in college athletics, but I also absolutely love musical theater having grown up in that world. Luckily my husband is usually game to catch a musical with me, and last week we went and saw the revival of Miss Saigon when it came through town. It was one of the few popular musicals I hadn’t seen, and I was so excited to go even though I was exhausted due to my two toddlers’ sleep regressions and newfound middle of the night fears.
Cringe-Worthy Statements About Adoption…
If you’re an adoptee, birth mother, or adoptive parent and you’re like me, you probably have heard many people say things to you about adoption that make you want to cringe! Now, I know I likely heard (or maybe even thought) these things before adopting my daughter and really understanding adoption but I’m so glad to have learned better now. I want to help others learn too!
Some of the statements I have heard about adoption that make me want to cringe. Check out our post to learn why, and to add your own bothersome statements to help others be educated on what adoption is (or at least should be).
We Are Broken
Adoption is brokenness. And our adoption community is broken.
My heart has been heavy all week. More scandal alleged in the adoption community, and this time by a consulting company I had heard mostly positive feedback about until the past year. A company I considered to be a formidable “competitor“ even before I was even a blip in this industry, but one I had originally wanted to emulate. I don’t pretend to know the details or all sides of this story, or the ins and outs of how this company operates. I don’t know what’s true or what’s biased, and I haven’t seen the evidence. But even though I am relatively new to this industry, I do know our community is broken. I know it is broken because I’ve seen it, felt it, and haven’t found a way to avoid it entirely or fix it. We hope you’ll read more to find out why we started this business and what we stand for, and how we are trying to navigate the brokenness, even with our own mistakes.
Some Common Phrases About Adoption
If you are a parent through domestic adoption, you’ve probably heard the following phrases said to you by well-meaning friends, family, acquaintances and even perfect strangers: “Why didn’t her birth mother want her?” “Why didn’t her birth mother love her enough to keep her?” “What is the story with her real mother?'“ “She’s so lucky to be in your family!” I wanted to touch on each of these briefly for people who may not be as familiar with adoption, and to also help adoptive families learn how to better respond to these types of questions/comments.
The Hospital Experience for a Prospective Adoptive Parent
We have discussed the domestic adoption process for a prospective adoptive parent up to the point where you are matched, have traveled, and now have arrived at the hospital. You have prepared a gift for the expectant family, you are being as flexible as possible in the hospital because you know adoption plans change and are fluid, but wow, are you stressed! The period of time between the birth and the signing of consents is rough, there is no way around it. It is obviously very hard on the expectant family, who are likely making one of the most difficult decisions of their lives. But it is also very difficult as a prospective adoptive parent. Read my own experience with this waiting period, I called it “An Adoptive Parent’s Labor”.
Preparing for Travel and ICPC
If you are a prospective adoptive parent chosen for a child that is going to be born in a different state than your state of residence, you will need to travel for the birth and stay in that state until you are cleared through the Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children (“ICPC”). ICPC is an agreement enacted by all 50 U.S. states, the District of Columbia and the Virgin Islands and it governs the placement of children from one state into another state. To learn more about ICPC, making adoption travel accomodations and what to pack, read more!
Preparing for An Adoption
If you’ve been following along this month, we are finally to the point where it gets really exciting, but also very nerve-wracking! You’ve been chosen as prospective adoptive parents for a child and you have to get prepared to possibly become a parent, likely in much less preparation time than you’d have if you were pregnant yourself. So, what do you need to know and become prepared for?! If you have an adoption advisor like Purl, your advisor and the attorney or agency you matched through should be helping thoroughly prepare you for the following topics between when you are chosen and when the baby arrives…
Chosen?! But now what?
You get chosen by an expectant family considering adoption for their child! Such amazing news and one of the major milestones in the domestic adoption journey. Many families have long waits and MANY presentations before they get to this point. But what is next? And what does being chosen really mean? Being chosen just means that you are one step closer to a child, and while it is a major milestone, that child may never actually be yours.
Funding Your Adoption
Domestic infant adoption can be really expensive. I wrote about the variability in the adoption costs awhile back in detail, but generally adoption costs vary by state and by the type of professionals that are involved in your adoption (agency, attorneys, etc.). Adoptive Families conducts a survey of average adoption costs every two years, and found that in 2016-17, the average total adoption cost for an Agency Adoption was $43,239, and the average total cost for an attorney adoption was $37,829. This includes home study, advisor and post placement costs, but obviously greatly exceeds the Adoption Tax Credit numbers for 2020 of $14,300 (and it phases out for families with modified adjusted gross income of $214,520).
So You Determined Your Preferences, What’s Next?
Once you’ve figured out your preferences in your adoption, what is next? The dreaded adoption wait. If you’re working with an adoption advisor like Purl, you’re likely getting on the waitlist for many different attorneys and agencies. You might be including some adoption outreach, hoping to connect with an expectant family that way. You are then waiting for an expectant family to choose you or find you through your outreach, typically speeding up your adoption journey. But it can take only a few weeks or months, or even a few years to be selected, but your chances are much better in a multi-faceted approach (in fact, none of our Purl families have waited over a year to match with an expectant family).
Adoption Outreach Basics
Are you a prospective adoptive parent that is waiting for an attorney or agency to match you with an expectant family considering adoption for their child? Are you a couple who isn’t totally comfortable self-matching or advertising yourself online, or maybe paid advertising isn’t legal in your state? I always encourage my Purl families who are home study approved to at least do what I call “Adoption Outreach Light”, which basically means that you are spreading the word to friends, families and colleagues that you are hoping to adopt, but maybe not doing any sort of active marketing or paid advertising. I encourage my Purl families to give their contacts a simple way to pass along more information about their family in the event they learn of someone facing an unplanned pregnancy and considering adoption for their child (ie. a copy of a short profile or a link to a website where they can learn more). Adoptions that result from friends and family connections can be great opportunities for prospective adoptive parents and expectant families, and are often much less expensive than adopting through an adoption agency.
Resources for Determining Preferences in Your Domestic Adoption
As I spoke about in my post from a few days ago (here), the domestic adoption process is so awkward in that you are essentially saying yes or no to a child. Sometimes you are doing it just by setting preferences in your adoption, but sometimes you’re actually reviewing a summary of an adoption opportunity and saying yes or no as to whether to present your family profile to the expectant family considering adoption for that child. When prospective adoptive parents start to consider their adoption preferences, many have no idea what they should say when adoption professionals ask what types of circumstances they would consider. Here are just a few of the things you should research and educate yourself on as you determine your adoption preferences, as well as some resources for helping you navigate these decisions.
The Awkwardness of Saying Yes or No to a Child
One of the things that I like least about the domestic infant adoption process is that prospective adoptive parents are basically saying yes or no to a child. Most people outside the adoption community might not realize that prospective adoptive parents basically set their “adoption preferences” and decide what types of adoption opportunities they want to see and have the opportunity “present” to.
Respect and Empathy for Expectant Mothers
I’ve heard of a few circumstances lately where prospective adoptive parents act entitled to the child they have been chosen for, both before and after the birth of the child, but before consents are signed. This is one area I feel like prospective adoptive parents pursuing domestic infant adoption need the most education on - the respect and love that is required for any expectant mother they come into contact with in their adoption journey, and ultimately for the birth mother for their child.
Positive Adoption Language
Words matter because words can hurt…Most people who use negative adoption terminology have no idea what they are saying about adoption could be insensitive or hurtful, and instead insensitive comments or questions are made used due to ignorance, curiosity and interest in adoption and the adoption process. But during this National Adoption Awareness Month, we are trying to educate on all aspects of adoption, and that includes the best way to communicate about adoption. So here is a short post on some of the negative adoption language frequently used, why/how it is considered negative and a better alternative to use in conversation.
The Basics Steps in the Domestic Adoption Process
Are you considering adoption as a way to grow your family, but you have no idea really where to begin? This post will help you better understand the process of adopting a child domestically in the United States. But adoption is not all cupcakes and rainbows and it is important to understand all facets of adoption, from many different perspectives, to determine if it is the right way to grow your family.
National Adoption Awareness Month
To honor and recognize National Adoption Awareness Month this year, I’m going to post each day about some topic in adoption. I’ll start with telling you about me, the founder of Purl Adoption Advisory, the business I launched to the public two years ago this month. I’m an adoption advisor who acts as a planner and guide for prospective adoptive parents in a domestic infant adoption. I am an attorney by training, but left my corporate law job after adopting my daughter Cora because I felt like there was a better way to adopt and I was eager to help other families navigate the complex world of adoption.
Finding Hope in Adoption and Parenting
This is a guest blog post written by Amy Stewart, mom through adoption to five children, Pediatric RN, and founder of Hope in Adoption, LLC.
After five pregnancy losses and years of failed fertility treatments, my journey to parenthood felt hopeless. The pain, grief, and loneliness I was experiencing felt too much to bear. It seemed everyone around me was celebrating carefree, successful pregnancies with ease. As my husband and I considered adoption as an opportunity to grow our family, the extensive process quickly became legally, financially, and emotionally overwhelming. Yet adoption seemed to provide hope in a time of darkness and despair. As a Registered Nurse and parenting educator, I started Hope in Adoption LLC to provide evidence based research parenting education and parenting support to all, including traditional, adoptive, and same-gender parents. My mission is to help everyone adopt parenting tools that work.
The Brokenness and Sadness Inherent in Adoption
Does the brokenness and sadness inherent in adoption hit you at the weirdest times?
I have an odd combination of interests, I am a huge college football and basketball fan having spent part of my career working in college athletics, but I also absolutely love musical theater having grown up in that world. Luckily my husband is usually game to catch a musical with me, and last week we went and saw the revival of Miss Saigon when it came through town. It was one of the few popular musicals I hadn’t seen, and I was so excited to go even though I was exhausted due to my two toddlers’ sleep regressions and newfound middle of the night fears.
