Adoption is hard, and sometimes it is hard in ways you weren’t prepared for. Many of the adoptive families we work with at Purl spend countless hours preparing for the adoption process and life after adoption, but sometimes the obstacles post-adoption cannot be predicted no matter the education and preparation. Will your extended family welcome the child through adoption and love the child through adoption as if it were a child to whom you gave birth? In today’s heartbreaking post, an anonymous Adoptive Mom shares a poignant letter to her parents after learning post-adoption that her family was not as accepting of their children as they were to other grandchildren who joined the family biologically. We hope this post helps you to analyze your entire support system as you pursue adoption and prepare for this possibility. It is also to remind families that are experiencing this as well that they are not alone…
—
Dear Mom (and/or Dad and Extended Family…)
I am writing this letter with an incredible amount of thought, reflection and ultimately a heavy heart. Our decision to pursue adoption was not taken lightly, I worried so much about countless things; things that matter a lot and things that, in hindsight, don’t matter much at all. However, amidst it all, I failed to anticipate the pain that would come from family being disconnected to my (adopted) children. I never would have guessed that this was even a possibility; my family was always my safe place, the people I have always counted on and leaned on during tough times, I am as surprised as I am hurt that we are here.
The moment my little girl said to me with innocence “Momma, why does grandma love the other grandkids more than me?” my heart broke into a million pieces. To see my precious child question her worth and value in the eyes of those around her was horrible. The innocence in her questions and the longing in her eyes for love and acceptance is a reminder of the deep impact of rejection. It is a pain that cuts deep and leaves scars that may never fully heal, and I know that would never be your intent. I would be lying if I said this was a huge shock to me. The fact that my little girl was so perceptive to notice at such a young age was a shock, but since she was born, the idea that the other biological grandchildren are clearly favored, is not. I have felt the disconnect for years and was hoping that somehow it would change, that something would finally click, and you would decide to put in the effort to be close to all of them.
I understand that you do not share her genes and you may not see her exceptional artistic talents and relate them to her grandfather’s art skills; just like you may not see yourself reflected in her eyes, mannerisms, or behaviors, but I believe family knows no of biological or genetic bound. It is a choice, a commitment, and a journey of building connections and relationships that go beyond bloodlines. I know it may not come easy for you, and I hear you when you express your perspective, but at the end of the day, the effort is nonexistent. I urge you to reflect on the effort it takes to form a bond with a child. They are young, perceptive, and deserving of unconditional love and acceptance, by not just their mom and dad, but everyone in their lives, especially those we call family.
My children deserve to feel secure in knowing that they are loved and cherished unconditionally and never having to fear that anything can change that. I hope that you can find it in your heart to open up, to make the effort, and to embrace the opportunity to form a meaningful relationship with my incredible children. They are a gift, a blessing, and a reminder of the beauty that comes from love in all its forms.
I made a vow to their birth mothers, that I would love and protect them for the rest of my life, and I intend to stick to my word. I don’t expect perfection, I am not perfect, and I have made countless mistakes. I do my best to learn from every one of my mistakes and try to be better. It’s never too late for a redo and start building a bond.
There is inevitably a sense of loss that is felt the day an adopted child is separated from their biological mother, the familiar voice they have been soothed by for the past 9 months, is suddenly replaced with unfamiliar ones. As an adoptive family, we face unique worries and struggles that may not always be apparent to others. One of the most challenging aspects is having conversations with our children about their adoption, which is often confusing and emotional for them. We are also navigating complicated relationships with birth families, and (fortunately in our case) maintaining close connections so that our children have a better sense of self and identity. Adoption presents many complexities and challenges, both for the children and for us as their parents. There is no doubt our children will grapple with questions about their origins and their place in the world, but one thing they should never have to question is whether they are loved by family. I don’t expect you to fully understand these complexities, but I do think it’s important for you to understand that there is way more that goes into raising an adopted child to ensure they feel connected than you may assume.
As for our relationship, for now, I have no choice but to keep my distance. Until you can show your commitment to making my children feel as cherished and cared for as they deserve, I believe it is best for us to take a step back from you. I cannot and will not stand by and watch my children suffer when they deserve love and compassion. Since the written word can so easily misconstrue tone, let me assure you, this letter and decision for space comes from a place of love and not anger. We are teaching our children many other lessons about family too, specifically the ability work through problems, apologize, forgive and support one another; know that when you are ready to both face and work through our problems, I will be here. Every moment with our family and children is gift, and a gift I hope to share with you again and for a lifetime to come.
Sincerely,
Your Daughter
Adoption is hard, and sometimes it is hard in ways you weren’t prepared for. Many of the adoptive families we work with at Purl spend countless hours preparing for the adoption process and life after adoption, but sometimes the obstacles post-adoption cannot be predicted no matter the education and preparation. Will your extended family welcome the child through adoption and love the child through adoption as if it were a child to whom you gave birth? In today’s heartbreaking post, an anonymous Adoptive Mom shares a poignant letter to her parents after learning post-adoption that her family was not as accepting of their children as they were to other grandchildren who joined the family biologically. We hope this post helps you to analyze your entire support system as you pursue adoption and prepare for this possibility. It is also to remind families that are experiencing this as well that they are not alone…
—
Dear Mom (and/or Dad and Extended Family…)
I am writing this letter with an incredible amount of thought, reflection and ultimately a heavy heart. Our decision to pursue adoption was not taken lightly, I worried so much about countless things; things that matter a lot and things that, in hindsight, don’t matter much at all. However, amidst it all, I failed to anticipate the pain that would come from family being disconnected to my (adopted) children. I never would have guessed that this was even a possibility; my family was always my safe place, the people I have always counted on and leaned on during tough times, I am as surprised as I am hurt that we are here.
The moment my little girl said to me with innocence “Momma, why does grandma love the other grandkids more than me?” my heart broke into a million pieces. To see my precious child question her worth and value in the eyes of those around her was horrible. The innocence in her questions and the longing in her eyes for love and acceptance is a reminder of the deep impact of rejection. It is a pain that cuts deep and leaves scars that may never fully heal, and I know that would never be your intent. I would be lying if I said this was a huge shock to me. The fact that my little girl was so perceptive to notice at such a young age was a shock, but since she was born, the idea that the other biological grandchildren are clearly favored, is not. I have felt the disconnect for years and was hoping that somehow it would change, that something would finally click, and you would decide to put in the effort to be close to all of them.
I understand that you do not share her genes and you may not see her exceptional artistic talents and relate them to her grandfather’s art skills; just like you may not see yourself reflected in her eyes, mannerisms, or behaviors, but I believe family knows no of biological or genetic bound. It is a choice, a commitment, and a journey of building connections and relationships that go beyond bloodlines. I know it may not come easy for you, and I hear you when you express your perspective, but at the end of the day, the effort is nonexistent. I urge you to reflect on the effort it takes to form a bond with a child. They are young, perceptive, and deserving of unconditional love and acceptance, by not just their mom and dad, but everyone in their lives, especially those we call family.
My children deserve to feel secure in knowing that they are loved and cherished unconditionally and never having to fear that anything can change that. I hope that you can find it in your heart to open up, to make the effort, and to embrace the opportunity to form a meaningful relationship with my incredible children. They are a gift, a blessing, and a reminder of the beauty that comes from love in all its forms.
I made a vow to their birth mothers, that I would love and protect them for the rest of my life, and I intend to stick to my word. I don’t expect perfection, I am not perfect, and I have made countless mistakes. I do my best to learn from every one of my mistakes and try to be better. It’s never too late for a redo and start building a bond.
There is inevitably a sense of loss that is felt the day an adopted child is separated from their biological mother, the familiar voice they have been soothed by for the past 9 months, is suddenly replaced with unfamiliar ones. As an adoptive family, we face unique worries and struggles that may not always be apparent to others. One of the most challenging aspects is having conversations with our children about their adoption, which is often confusing and emotional for them. We are also navigating complicated relationships with birth families, and (fortunately in our case) maintaining close connections so that our children have a better sense of self and identity. Adoption presents many complexities and challenges, both for the children and for us as their parents. There is no doubt our children will grapple with questions about their origins and their place in the world, but one thing they should never have to question is whether they are loved by family. I don’t expect you to fully understand these complexities, but I do think it’s important for you to understand that there is way more that goes into raising an adopted child to ensure they feel connected than you may assume.
As for our relationship, for now, I have no choice but to keep my distance. Until you can show your commitment to making my children feel as cherished and cared for as they deserve, I believe it is best for us to take a step back from you. I cannot and will not stand by and watch my children suffer when they deserve love and compassion. Since the written word can so easily misconstrue tone, let me assure you, this letter and decision for space comes from a place of love and not anger. We are teaching our children many other lessons about family too, specifically the ability work through problems, apologize, forgive and support one another; know that when you are ready to both face and work through our problems, I will be here. Every moment with our family and children is gift, and a gift I hope to share with you again and for a lifetime to come.
Sincerely,
Your Daughter
